1. Jimmy Johns deliverypeople bring happiness and joy. Like Santa! Only they come more than once a year, you know what you’re going to get, and they don’t sit around at the mall. Otherwise, they’re exactly alike.

2. You know how when you sign for a UPS package and the stylus/signature pad are finicky and your signature looks literally like chicken scratch? They don’t take your name or anything. I wonder how they use this later, when there is a dispute about delivery. “What do you mean you didn’t receive the package… Your chicken obviously signed for it, indicated by this scratch and two pecks.” “Oh I’m sorry, let me check. Maybe she’s sitting on it and waiting for it to open, like last time.”

3. I had a really nice Thanksgiving. I don’t know about all this “ugh how awful to celebrate a holiday that is all about the pillaging and murder of a people” – I mean if rape, murder and pillagement are what you’re drinking to when you clink glasses of apple cider with grandma, I guess that would not be the ideal attitude. I’m just saying holidays mean what they mean to the celebrator. Is Valentines Day about martyrdom or is it about amorousness? Particularly, look at the name of the holiday. It’s not like we’re trying to insist that Pillagin’ Injuns Day is about being thankful for a bountiful harvest.

4. WB Trademarks Harry Potter Quidditch Lingerie. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? This is ridiculous. I refuse to get sucked into making inappropriate innuendos out of this. Ok fine. I wonder if there will be built in “goals” for the bludgers to go through? Wow, the quaffle IS easy to grip with one hand. Also, “beater.” Finally, I will point out that the snitch has already been in Harry Potter’s mouth.

Ew… K I’m done. I think I just grossed myself out.